It’s so simple it’s obnoxious. Once you read this, you’re going to be kicking yourself for not thinking of it sooner. 

When you’ve been unsuccessful at preventing a tantrum (don’t worry, it happens to us all), you need to know how to stop said tantrum. I’m sure if you’re reading this, you’ve already tried everything.

Well, I’m here to tell you that there is a stupid simple way to handle tantrums that will often turn your whole day around.

Before I share this tantrum destroyer, you’re going to need to commit to one thing. You need to manage your own behavior. As the adult, you need to be able to keep yourself from reacting emotionally. No irritation in your voice, no yelling, nothing. Take a few deep breaths and get your shit together.

Now, your kid is starting to give you little signals that a tantrum is coming. Maybe they’re whining, refusing to get in the car, refusing to buckle up. Maybe they’ve even started screaming.

Step 1: Calm yourself. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths if you have to. I like to think of this as going into robot mode. I’m powering down and not responding emotionally, but calmly and quietly.

Step 2: Model appropriate language. Saying “I’m mad!” often does the trick. By doing this, you’re breaking your pattern in responding, which is probably going to surprise your kid if you’re just starting out.

Step 3: Agree with them, but don’t bombard them with words. You want to empathize with your kid so they know that you get it and you're on their side. You could say something like, “Ugh I know, what a bummer.” Don’t bombard them with language, keep it short and sweet, and remain close (but not too close, if they want space) so that they can approach you when they are ready. Many times, your kid will approach you for a hug. 

Step 4: Move on. Don’t fixate on whatever is upsetting them. Instead, after you empathize, move on to talking about what you get to do next! 

Imagine the following scenario:

It’s time to leave grandma’s house, but your kid clearly does not want to leave grandma’s house. They’re refusing to get in the car. You carry them and put them in their seat, but now they’re yelling and refusing to buckle up.

You say, “I’m mad!”

Maybe your kid echoes you, maybe they look at you like you’re crazy. Either response is fine.

Next, you agree with them; “I don’t want to leave either.” Stay close to them, about arms length. You want to be close enough to comfort them if they wish, but also giving them enough space if they need that too.

Lastly, redirect your child by helping them move on. Say something like, “When we get home, we get to eat ice cream!! Do you want chocolate or vanilla?” The key here is to really sell whatever is next. Bonus points if you can find a way to provide them with a choice so that they feel like they have some control over the situation.

If this worked for you, let us know! If it didn’t work, and you feel like you could benefit from additional support when trying to get through your child’s tantrums, you can always sign up for parent coaching. We’ve got your back!